sad sad place

im a blubbering mess and shouldnt be writing here but i may feel better



I have divorced my husband, well I have signed and im waiting for him to sign and that will be the end...this is sad in itself..not sure why i feel like this but i do..



he has a new girfriend and my kids have met her and she has bought them things and she did my daughters hair..this makes me sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry..



we spoke about introducing the kids to people and decided against it..well thats what i thought..im fucking devastated...I have been so good latley with my confidance and feeling good about myself..but now after this I feel like im back in Feb last year and not wanting to be here..i had to pick them up from his house the arvo and once again I couldnt eben look at him..i was fucking crying for fuck sake....i think Im just jealous...it cant be anything else right?



The thing is, thats really upsetting me is the fact that this new bitch has 2 children....he couldnt even commit back to me, and we had a family for 7 years.....i just wonder what is wrong with me? i must be just a horrible person...i just feel like im ugly and fat and now I'll be left on the shelf....what is it that i just cant be happy in life?

I just want to be happy and share my life with someone....i have no one to talk to when the kids go to bed...

ive been on a few dates..but they never call me back...whuch is good cuz I havent clicked with anyone yet....

ive got such a headache errgghhh...anyway...i'll be right


right?

well thanks for nuthing!!!!!!!

well whatever..i cant get duramine...wtf??/ apparently Im not FAT enough...thats his opinion...certainly not mine...whatever mate...

my BMI is ok
my height to weight is ok
blah blah blah

so Im gunna go on shakes..starve myself.. im going to the gym in the morning to kane myself on cardio..i have 6 days before my next date and i need to get thinner...noone likes a fat girl and thats exactly what I am.....geez..its hard to lose this last bit of weight...im up and down like a fucking yo yo....71-73..up and down..shits me..im not putting in 100%..only 50% and that aint gunna cut it.

I find out about my new car tomorow..im not hopeful that i will get a loan..but heres hoping!!

im going to the dr to see if he will give me duramine....or im gunna starve myself

im hopeless

and Im huge

Im fat and ugly


and now depressed




* on a better note..i filed for divorce

free week

I fucked up this week and now I have to keep going..Im not weighin in..well I did and its not good.

Im joining the gym tomorow...cant wait..I need a professional to help me with the shaping of my body I think....a lot of help is needed. Mind you I dont know when I am gunna find the time to go, what with the kids and all that but I will work sumthing out...

I ate chocolate today..emotional eating..dammit

one of my workmates was talking to a PT and she has said to lose weight you need to eat the following for 4 days

2 eggs
50g chicken
100gm chicken n green vegies
50gm chicken
100gm chicken and grenn veg

hmm..Ive done somthing very similar and the weight does come off...might start that tomorow......



I want to get to 65kilos.

and I fucking will too.

tomorow..

I'll weigh in
I slept in and jumped right into the shower and ran around like a blu ass fly!!

just smashed it up on my tready I ran at 8.2KPH!!!!!!!! fucking yeah!!!
I did my arm work tonight to..


I'll get there...regardless of what my scales say tomorow....

which by the way is gunna be BIG>>>>>>><>

all good......its a process:)

hmmmm

what a big weekend I have had with entertaining and its gunna show tomorow with weigh in..so I might not even look...not game really as a set back will just knock me out again.

dam dam and dam.

I am supossed to have tomorow off, but i have to go to the city for a cutting course..dam even more...love my days off..but this is for a great reason.

Still struggling with doing my apprenticeship..Im just really not sure if i want to do it, but then ive come so far..blah blah...my hands a really suffering tho, dermititis, its fucking awful and embarassing, looks terrible..

oh well.

New day tomorow, I will put this weekend behind me and all the wrong foods I ate and the wine i drank....oh man its just getting worse!!!
arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

what else??

Man...what else can I do to get rid of this FAT...im running and walking twice a day...its just not fast enough...and by the fucking way...NO ONE noticed Im 3kgs lighter FFS...jesus Ive got to lose another 5 for it to be noticable????? Bloody hell

Oh well...JUST KEEP GOING!!!!!

I will to
Food today
cereal banana and tea
almonds
tuna sanga
cuppa vegie soup
apple
tea
baked potato, with extra lite sour cream and sweet chilli an 1 rissole. YUM

Ive done 40mins all up on that fuckin treadmill....still not thin!!!!!

all good...another 2 weeks ill be lighter again...then another 2 weeks and so on and so fourth

Im getting back into bike riding to..I need to get my bike from my ex..will do that on the weekend. Bike riding at least will help more to.

Im even thinking i might join the gym..not sure yet..time is limited

Im also really thinking about work..Im just not sure i want to do it anymore..i do but i dont..I think i really miss being a stay at home mum with the kids and i can thank my fuckhead ex husband for that..while he was earning over 100K..he told me to get a job and start contributing as he had done it for long enough...SELFISH PRICK. we had said i wouldnt go back to work til C was at school...but no, as usual he was always changing the goal posts..FUCKIN ASSHOLE..so now ive missed all this time with my babies..assssshhhoooolllleeeeeeeeee.....
and meanwhile all the money i earned went in DAYCARE...what a fucking idiot.

Men mate..most of them really have no fucking idea. I think he was just jealous i was at home with his children and he was 'working his ass off'...as i heard every second day.


WANKER.

THANK FUCK HE'S OUTTA MY LIFE.