over myself

I just dont get it......all I want is to be skinny, but my mind, heart and soul wont allow me?/ I dont understand my way of thinking, Im reading this book that I think is going to turn out to be a load of bullshit, all about emotional fat, anf turning off your fat buttons, all sorts of shit that saw the author go from fucking HUGE, like 200kilos to a healthy 85kilos..(approx) dont know the stats but he lost a shit load of fat by thinking positive yadda yadda...hmmm, Im thinking positive, trying my best, but fucking hell its hard...

Ive just been reading other blogs, thin peoples blogs and I dont want to be like that either, why the fuck cant I just have been born naturally thin?? great.

The thing that fucking annoys me, is that I know what to eat, but I love shit food, I know to exercise, IM FUCKING LAZY, I know allllll what is required to get skinny, but do you think my mind or whatever posesses me, will let me?? Maybe I need fucking professional help????

I can imagine myself skinny, but yet I still eat shit...I want nothing more than to be thin, but again...for some unknown fucked up reason I cant be??

I think if I didnt buy the wrong things I wouldnt eat it, if I packed my lunch and planned my snacks, Ide be right, if I planned my meals I might just suceed....I just wonder how I got into the mindset before... I lost 15kilos ffs....15kilos!!!! on my own, no powders, no weekly checkins, all on my own and the fucking ww boards.

Now Im just 3kilos above what I was...3. fucking. kilos. fuck all..3kgs!!! how pathetic, although I look like Ive put on 10kilos, flabby, untoned....just fucking disgusting.

Anyway, a good vent...new day tomorow...yet another chance.