weigh in

A loss is a loss I guess

400grams, not much but its something

Just did 15mins on my treadmill and will do another 15 tonight.

3.1kilos to go to my first goal.

easy

Great day so far...have to get back on the treadmill later..i will..promise to myself.

food today
eggs and mushrooms with a slice of cheese mixed thru
herbal tea

chicken and vegie soup
diet yogurt
coffee

10 rice crackers

chicken and vegie stirfry..cant wait as Im a little hungry!!

coffee later.

excellent.

I did the groceries so Im all stocked up on good foods, bought the new WW mag for inspiration so thats all good.

3.1 to go to my first goal...I can do it again I know it. Im uncomfy cause my clothes are smaller, so thats motivation there. once I get down to between 68-70 I will start weights again to.

I want to tone right up again and get back to the yummy mummy I was !!!!lmao

Oh and I joined the online dating thing yesterday and took it off this arvo...dont think Im quite ready yet:)



EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did another 15 mins on my tready...woot!!!

still

yep still hating myself, the week hasnt gone that well, Im hopeless, but anyway, today is a new day.

My son came home yesterday to get his things, we took him out for dinner and then I took him to his refuge house...OMG, cant believe its come to this but, hey, it will make him happier I hope, he looks empty and not very happy and it goes to show how I have failed him as a mother, and no matter what anyone says i will ALWAYS blame myself for how he has turned out, it IS my fault as I made some terrible desissions and very selfish decissions...well hopefully not again.

Anyway, moving on..its no wonder I hate myself...

I wont even go into the new thoghts of losing weight this week, its pathetic I need something new every week and fail every week...what the fuck is wrong with me? Im a joke. but I will try and try again..no one will wnat a fat chick and one day I want a new man..but then again I deserve to be alone, until I get myself right theres no point trying to let anyone else in.

Going out with girlfriends this morning, lunch and a movie, will be good.

I'll pick my littlies up this arvo, thier weekend with their father, thurs thru to sun, a great break from me and at least they dont only have my influence to fuck them up... Hopefully Im doing a better job on the other 3?

work has been very quiet, the new senior quit yesterday, just sent a text and said she would no longer be coming..bitch, put us out for the day...anyway good ridance, she was hopeless.

a new one starts next week..we are hopefull;)

Sooo, I went to the movies, had a nice little crustless quiche and salad for lunch, went to get my littlies, my husband has had another haircut..bit of an insult really, he looked good and smelt even better, after watching the movie I was emotional and ended up giving him a cuddle, no kiss, but of course my eyes welled up, and its an emotional time at the moment, I think the fact that N has moved out at 16 and the realization of no more marriage ect, ect, Im a little bit of a mess at the the present time...never mind, all will be good.

I had a shake for dinner and a carrot. apple and coffee for breakfast and mudcake, small slice.

Iv filled my ipod with lots of songs and all the old ones I used when I use to run to so I need to get motivated..Im just about to go for a walk on it.

I WILL GET THIN, THE THINNER THE BETTER...LET ME SEE HOW FAR I CAN GO.

boring day

I started at 1pm today...it was as dead as....sooooooo boring...tomorows not much better...end of fin ancial year makes a difference to...erghhh yuk, i hate doin nothing. I did put 3 foils into my booses fringe before we left so thats good...hope its ok!! will see in the morning...

my hands are so sore...they are sore and dry and cracked....i really dont know what else to try hey, i have tried everything for dermitits..everything..the were bleeding today, everytime i bent my hands..just terrible...even me boss said she hadbt seen them as bad..

anyway, had a few slip ups today with food..no drama, tomorows a new day..i have been pretty good, considering..im really trying, so 1 point to me i guess.

Nothing else, just waiting for Meduim to start. wish I had her gift:)

food
shake
coffee
banana
salad with egg and small bit of feta
apple
tea and a bicky
ww side dish
cashews
cupa soup
coffee

I did weigh myself and just after cutting out all shit yesterday and having the fresh food I was 71.6 this morning...now I know this is water weight, but geez almost 2kilos down?? I'll try not to weigh in the morning as its gunna be more, but thats OK.

I now have 5 weeks to finish my upsstyle book....eeeekkkkkkk, 5 weeks?????? I am on holidays soon..sooooooooooo good!!!!!!!!!

New week...again

I have woken up determined again...like every other Monday but Im gunna do it this time.

I weighed in, and I wasnt going to put it on here but Ive got to be accountalbe and do the right thing this time... I havent been this weight for about 2years or more and its disgusting....for me that is....remembering how good I was before with the treadmill and the weights and running...I have let myself down and gotten out of control..eating all the wrong things and not caring about it or myself...well not anymore..I really need to take a course of action, not only for my health and well being but I just have to start giving a shit about myself.

I went shopping today as I hav C cause I dont work today, we always go shopping, he loves it and so do I.. I bought some clothes for the girls and some 'skinny's' for C..they are the cutest, I bought a pair of black pants and a pot for my parsley seeds.. I also went into my most favourite shop in the world..(at the moment!!lol) LOOT, I bought a hippy bag and this cool hippy friendship braclet...and I got some Tibetan Prayer flags..love them...I also went to Spotlight to get some 'hippy' fabric to make a shoulder bag, I got this awesome fabric, then bought the new shoulder bag...doesnt matter, I can make the other bag anytime.. I found my cutting board so Im extremly happy about that!! Didnt want to pay $33 for a new one..

My son sent me a message and apparently he has seen Centrelink and is moving into somewhere tonight?? Im annoyed that a 16yo can just move out...what sort of life is he going to have..least he message me and I know he is sorta safe right?

So Im eating nothing but fresh food starting today and shakes and Im going to weigh in only once a week...well I'll try, i still weigh everyday and everynight, so I'll have to wean myself off that.

I'll write all my food down evry day and at the end of that day I'll put it here.

Fresh vegies, fruit, shakes and lots more water. A day off each week and a chocolate only on that day. As for alcohol, I dont really drink a lot, but if anything only when I go out with the girls once in a while.

And Im walking on that treadmill too...I will make myself do it.

back..
food
shake
coffee
chicken salad with small amount of feta
apple
diet oragne fizzy
coffee and small bit of bday cake
cuppa tea.

i had a meeting tonight so no dinner.

M is as sick as, vomitting and the runs..touch wood she hasnt vomitted in about an hour..please, please, please let that be all...then P was brushing her teeth and Bleerrrr..vomitted..dammit..I dont do 'sick'..Im not exactly all, whats the word??? Im a bit cold...it comes down to the fact Im scared myself to get sick..Im freakin out now cause the bug is in the house... I know that sounds awful, but its just me...

I spoke to Nick...he actually phoned me..all is ok, he has a shared house and it has a youth worker ect to help out, he seems happy enough to do that, so I will accept it, plus that takes more pressure off me, not knowing where he is or if Im gunna get a call at 2am in the morning that he is drunk ect.. I am taking him out for dinner on sat night with mum and dad and P. The litlies are at their dads...we have shared care, every thursday night and friday they are at his and then every second sat night as well. works well. Gives me a break. and the love tyheir dad A LOT...usually to the point they cry when I get them...very disheartening for me, but its ok..

:(

Funny day...I had my daughters party..it was good, my mum and dad came and her dad and his parents..it was all civil and friendly..on my part anyway..i dont want to be friendly..i want to say totally get fucked you asshole for all what u have done..but hey its not worth it..I made his mum say hello first to me though..she fucking shits me....fucking mummy's boy she raised...surly they can see what he has done is wrong?? probably not...who cares anyway...Im over it.

My son turned 16 today and this is where it goes horribly wrong..on one hand I had a good day with the party, but on the other hand, my first born, turned 16..noone has heard from him..he spent this day god knows where and with god knows who.. i just feel like a total failure to him..we never really got along and things have just spiralled out of control since I left up there and I wonder if I wasnt so selfish and just grinned and beared it up there and not left, he wouldnt be doing all what he is doing..everything at his disposal here, the big city and all that comes with it, for the last 12 months I have totally lost him...he dropped out of high school, started stealing, hanging out with all the wrong people, police involvement, court appearences, youth justice conferences, community service...what is next?? it upsets me so much to think..I dont want him in jail, or dead???

To top a bad off I weighed myself this morning and I fucking died..Im not even saying what it was...I just must hate myself so much on the inside, I dont have any respect for myself..and I wonder why no one else does huh..Im so eating myself to an obivion.. I went to a party last night and I had a photo taken with my friend and OMG....disgusting...Im huge and I really cant deny it anymore, so once again I am going to go back to my shakes in the morning....all I can do is try, to be honest I dont care about myself at the moment as Ive pretty much fucked every aspect of my life up so..we'll see...why cant I do the opposite and starve myself in these trying times??

Not a lot happening...

I did foils and a haircut last night and it turned out!! I was freaking out, really, and I dont know why!!?? I really need to get some faith in myself...hair cutting is coming along.. I did an increase layer cut today, now worries, my boss is back from holidays and I had 30mins before my client came in for her appointment and SHE MADE ME DO IT!! So good though, cause I dont have a chance to freak out or try and hide out the back...and I did it in time, yiu know what tho? I might noit be perfect, but Im getting better every day:)

Im doing Barrell curls now..Im sick of frikken french rolls at the moment I need a change!

Oh, and Im officially single... I told my so called husband we are heading for divorce and I dont want to see him anymore...Im not his girlfriend, or o fucking booty call....long story and to be honest its not worth going into how the last 14months have been going.. lets just say, he bought a house 2 months after I left from up there, after he hit me...we got back together, not living together as it was HIS house, um...he would NEVER live with my eldest son again and he dropped P like a hot potoato after being her father figure for 7 years...anyway she hates him now and thats fine by me. Lots more involved but who cares really.

So now I dont have the controllong influence anymore, I should be able to move forward and be a better mother and a better apprentice...no pressure on me now. He can get fucked totally.... should have been done months ago..but as usual I live in hope...nup, not this time... he has shown himself in his true colours for the last time.

Moving on..I know I wont be on my own forever...might take a few years, or more but eventually I will find someone worthy of me:)