still

yep still hating myself, the week hasnt gone that well, Im hopeless, but anyway, today is a new day.

My son came home yesterday to get his things, we took him out for dinner and then I took him to his refuge house...OMG, cant believe its come to this but, hey, it will make him happier I hope, he looks empty and not very happy and it goes to show how I have failed him as a mother, and no matter what anyone says i will ALWAYS blame myself for how he has turned out, it IS my fault as I made some terrible desissions and very selfish decissions...well hopefully not again.

Anyway, moving on..its no wonder I hate myself...

I wont even go into the new thoghts of losing weight this week, its pathetic I need something new every week and fail every week...what the fuck is wrong with me? Im a joke. but I will try and try again..no one will wnat a fat chick and one day I want a new man..but then again I deserve to be alone, until I get myself right theres no point trying to let anyone else in.

Going out with girlfriends this morning, lunch and a movie, will be good.

I'll pick my littlies up this arvo, thier weekend with their father, thurs thru to sun, a great break from me and at least they dont only have my influence to fuck them up... Hopefully Im doing a better job on the other 3?

work has been very quiet, the new senior quit yesterday, just sent a text and said she would no longer be coming..bitch, put us out for the day...anyway good ridance, she was hopeless.

a new one starts next week..we are hopefull;)

Sooo, I went to the movies, had a nice little crustless quiche and salad for lunch, went to get my littlies, my husband has had another haircut..bit of an insult really, he looked good and smelt even better, after watching the movie I was emotional and ended up giving him a cuddle, no kiss, but of course my eyes welled up, and its an emotional time at the moment, I think the fact that N has moved out at 16 and the realization of no more marriage ect, ect, Im a little bit of a mess at the the present time...never mind, all will be good.

I had a shake for dinner and a carrot. apple and coffee for breakfast and mudcake, small slice.

Iv filled my ipod with lots of songs and all the old ones I used when I use to run to so I need to get motivated..Im just about to go for a walk on it.

I WILL GET THIN, THE THINNER THE BETTER...LET ME SEE HOW FAR I CAN GO.