:(

Funny day...I had my daughters party..it was good, my mum and dad came and her dad and his parents..it was all civil and friendly..on my part anyway..i dont want to be friendly..i want to say totally get fucked you asshole for all what u have done..but hey its not worth it..I made his mum say hello first to me though..she fucking shits me....fucking mummy's boy she raised...surly they can see what he has done is wrong?? probably not...who cares anyway...Im over it.

My son turned 16 today and this is where it goes horribly wrong..on one hand I had a good day with the party, but on the other hand, my first born, turned 16..noone has heard from him..he spent this day god knows where and with god knows who.. i just feel like a total failure to him..we never really got along and things have just spiralled out of control since I left up there and I wonder if I wasnt so selfish and just grinned and beared it up there and not left, he wouldnt be doing all what he is doing..everything at his disposal here, the big city and all that comes with it, for the last 12 months I have totally lost him...he dropped out of high school, started stealing, hanging out with all the wrong people, police involvement, court appearences, youth justice conferences, community service...what is next?? it upsets me so much to think..I dont want him in jail, or dead???

To top a bad off I weighed myself this morning and I fucking died..Im not even saying what it was...I just must hate myself so much on the inside, I dont have any respect for myself..and I wonder why no one else does huh..Im so eating myself to an obivion.. I went to a party last night and I had a photo taken with my friend and OMG....disgusting...Im huge and I really cant deny it anymore, so once again I am going to go back to my shakes in the morning....all I can do is try, to be honest I dont care about myself at the moment as Ive pretty much fucked every aspect of my life up so..we'll see...why cant I do the opposite and starve myself in these trying times??