obseesed

Im obsessed with the scales so Im going to put them away, Im watching them go up and go down and its just doing my fucking head in...

tomorow is another week and they are closing in and Im not going to be 67 by Melb...so be it, dont care, well I do but Im not going to dwell on it, what for, life is short, and horrible, why make myself more miserable??

Oh and I HATE my hair...and once again I SHOULDNT HAVE GOTTEN IT CUT...

i do this allll the time.

silly.

ssdd

same shit different day!! sounds familiar i think!!

An alright day today, could have been better, Im having a hard time with water guzzling, just cant drink it atm...I have a rotten head cold and I feel like crap, not even hungry to be honest, so hey thats gotta be good!

So I hope America pulls itself out of the shit its in soon, I bought a house in Detroit last year, stupid thing that I did I know, but my dad bought one and I thought it was a good idea....yeah famous last words... their real estate agents suck and dont know how to organise anything...grrrr, Im having a hard time with it all atm..(typical of my fucking life right now) anyway, I have to spend a few thousand $ on it to get it up to fucking renting stage again, all we do is pay out constantly...Im annoyed with myself for even buying it, but as usual I had the best intention at heart, my thought was to keep it for a few years, til I am qualified, then off load it, make some money and buy me own salon...hmm, aint gunna happen now, I just want it sold now, the amount i pay for rent here and the loan there, I can buy a house out here!!

Never mind, live and learn the hard way, thats my way I think! I never learn. I rush into everything!!!!!!!!!

Im still the same on the scales...70.7...huh, now Ive put that down on 'paper' whats the bet I spike tomorow and be fatter!!...we'll see, I weigh everynight and every morning...I try not to, but hey Im a physco and cant help it!!!hahahahhahahaahhahahahahahhahahahaha!!!!!!!!11

over myself

I just dont get it......all I want is to be skinny, but my mind, heart and soul wont allow me?/ I dont understand my way of thinking, Im reading this book that I think is going to turn out to be a load of bullshit, all about emotional fat, anf turning off your fat buttons, all sorts of shit that saw the author go from fucking HUGE, like 200kilos to a healthy 85kilos..(approx) dont know the stats but he lost a shit load of fat by thinking positive yadda yadda...hmmm, Im thinking positive, trying my best, but fucking hell its hard...

Ive just been reading other blogs, thin peoples blogs and I dont want to be like that either, why the fuck cant I just have been born naturally thin?? great.

The thing that fucking annoys me, is that I know what to eat, but I love shit food, I know to exercise, IM FUCKING LAZY, I know allllll what is required to get skinny, but do you think my mind or whatever posesses me, will let me?? Maybe I need fucking professional help????

I can imagine myself skinny, but yet I still eat shit...I want nothing more than to be thin, but again...for some unknown fucked up reason I cant be??

I think if I didnt buy the wrong things I wouldnt eat it, if I packed my lunch and planned my snacks, Ide be right, if I planned my meals I might just suceed....I just wonder how I got into the mindset before... I lost 15kilos ffs....15kilos!!!! on my own, no powders, no weekly checkins, all on my own and the fucking ww boards.

Now Im just 3kilos above what I was...3. fucking. kilos. fuck all..3kgs!!! how pathetic, although I look like Ive put on 10kilos, flabby, untoned....just fucking disgusting.

Anyway, a good vent...new day tomorow...yet another chance.

weigh in

I lost 600grams.

Im happy with that, if I can average 500gm for the next 5 weeks I will get close to 67-5kilos and that will be awesome for Melb. Ive looked up hairdressers and they are on every corner so I just have to pick one and make an appointment! cant wait, will be great to see how another salon does things! Ide ideally like to find a redken salon, the BEST products on the market:)

Im home today, so Im going to do some cooking and lots of housework, my house is like a dump, I just get so tired, so this morning is it, it will be done!!

Mum and dad are coming over this morning to.

up early

had to wash my hair..lol how funny..well the scales are looking better, I'll just keep going..2 kilos to go before Melbourne.

Ive decided when in Melb, that I am going to a hair salon, might have a treatment and then blow dry/straighten.. cant wait, just have to find one!

food today

cereal, coffee
banana
chicken and rice
nestle mouse
ww meal
banana bread + coffee
tea.

Yum

oh, and lots of water, I dont drink enough during the day and then have to come home and guzzle 2 litres at night!!


Ive had a headache today, and something else I need to take note of...I wasnt hungry when I ate??

I think the coffee and banana bread are gunna stuff me in the morning...

shame

day...what am I up to??

dunno, its a lifestlye change!! everyday is good!!

Food went well today, I did have a choccy, yep, felt a bit guilty, but I will not have anymore now till next week. Better save it til Easter!!lol

Work was a little boring today, I just did study nearly allllll day, learnt the colour wheel though and that was good, Im up to having to consult with clients and I shit myself everytime I have to do anything...I sometimes wonder if I should be a hairdresser after all.... I just have so much self doubt and absolutly NO confidance......its actually annoying and we have appraisals on Friday and I bet Im gunna get into trouble for not beliveing in myself and getting in there and having a go at everything...*sigh*...it'll be right, Ive come to far to give up now, Its my 2year anniversay tomorow actually, 2 years of hairdressing and Im still not confidant....silly really, I just need to get in and do it, Im just really scared I'll fuck it up and then people wont like me and then they wont come back...grrrr....Im silly...

anyway, not much else, Im in the 60's again, up and down like a frickin yoyo, I still weigh in every night and every morning...keeps me on track and I can guestimate what I will be in the mornings so I dont freak out as much!!lol...

would be great if I can get to 67 by 23rd April...

we'll see!

day 2, but day 1

I confuse meself!!lollololololol.....

So, did a points counting thing today, I dont really want to label myself, cause I think that puts the pressure on me...not sure, just trying hard to find a way that works for me in the whole fatloss thingy.

So today was good, could have been, awesome but I was just starving when I went to the shops to look for ugly shoes and I just had to have a donut from Donut King, did I say that I have just found these donuts, they arent donuts with the holes in the middle, well they are but they are like cake?? Oh I dont know how to describe them, but they are fucking yummy, and of course I get the choccy icing one, oh dear, they are good, my daughter says they are like the Crispy Creme donuts.....dangerous!!! anything good usually is!

anyway, my points went to 21.5, and I am meant to be on 20....as far as I know, Im just going to follow what I did before, I lost the 15kilos of baby weight so it must work...I would probably be on 18points now, but hey, I'll start on 20.

I just have to drink more water...Im just about to down 1litre now so thats gotta be good...

Im loving ebay at the mo, I bought some IBD gel coloured kit from the USA, over here I pay $120 for the kit of 6 gel colours and cleanser, sealer, wipes, etc, and over there I paid $35??? W.T.F???? So cheap, we are so getting ripped over here, andyway, I bought that and some intense seal, here $49, over there, fucking $9, unreal hey, love America!! I also got some acrylic powder, I boutght the big one, $50 here, $25 there....I'll get all my stuff form over there from now on. I need to get back into doing nails again, I dont miss it but I do, I wouldnt mind doing a refresher course. The have one on the Gold Coast for a day its $300..hmm just not sure if I want to spend that much money or not, mind you I havent work as a nail tech for over 5 years now, so I have fallen behind on the latest trends etc.. I dunno I think about it??

anyway, Im off to catch up on some blogs:)

ok...tomorow then

Hair photos!! This above is before the cut

and after


front after...I just cant put me face up. just dont want that whole. this is me thing happening..

So..

man, hate when people dont remember their own lies?? all Im saying

Anyway, I must really hate myself right?>? I'll tell ya why, this morning started out well, then as the day go on I fucked it up, time and time again..W.T.F?????? what the fuck is it with me and food??? 3 fucking kilos is all I need to lose and its the hardest EVER....jeeesuzzzzzzz.

I went shopping, not sure what I wanted but I just wanted to spend money, shoes I thought, for work, ugly closed in ones, cause thats the hairdressing rules, anyway, C decided that after his donut dinosaur and juice, he had enough of wandering oaround following mummy here and there, checking out clothes, bras, bed sheets...fuck me, did you know how much King size sheets are????/ I didnt...I looked at 1000count whatevers and they were $159...hmm, dont think I can afford that, thats half my wage for gods sake! !lol..eeek...anyway he had enough so we had to come home....never mind.... another day, ugly shoes can wait.

So I stuffed up food allllll day, chocolate and pizza..hopeless eh. I just dont know what it is?? I have the right intentions, really I do, and then I stuff it...why????? I ask myself constantly?? I dont get is, I am one of those people that cant have anything bad in sight.

Shocking. I had all the intentions to start WW again. Now its tomorow.

I HAVE to lose 3kilos by 22April. Have toooooooooooo.

If at first you dont succeed, try and try again....

I will be better tomorow. I can imagine how pathetic that sounds, Ive seen it before and thought..;yeah yeah...whatever fatty!!'

all good. 3 kilos is achievable.

right??

As long as Im prepared.

I'll get a good piccy of me hair when i do it again..

im doing somthing different tomorow, ya know mix it up a bit

till then.....................

day 5 and 6

food day 4

cereal and skim milk
stew
ham
chicken salad with ceasar dressing
no water really, I dont think half a glass will cut it!!

dam it:)


Day 5
egg on seaded roll
turkey
tuna
chicken
cant be bothered with salad and veg at the moment, I know I should but, life is busy and I need to go grocery shopping!!


I had alllll my hair cut off last night, all short and funky looking..lol....more hairdressy now again, just didnt have time for colour, mayby next week??

Im ring about a jewelry course next week, they have a 4 hour lesson for $60, incl materials, Im assuming silver...cant wait, I just hope it is still going as the flyer was delivered months ago, but mum can finally go.

I had a cut and colour and foils and blow dry in on Thursday and do you know I was sick in the tummy all wed night and I felt sick Thrs morning and I think it was nerves???? FFS!!!!!!! Im such a worry wart, but jesus, to feel sick with nerves, when she left I was suddenly better.

How stupid, I just dont have any confidnce in what I do, basically, I dont trust my own ability, it is really cruelling it for myself, Im scared to fuck somthing up...its silly, how many hairdressers stuff peoples hair everyday?????? Not that I want to be like that, but shit, Im soooo hard on myself, and when it comes down to it I can do it, not like a senior, but I can do it!!

*sigh* I know I will get there, my 2 year anniversary is this month!! who would have thought?? Me.. a hairdresser!!! cant wait til Im confidant to do everything with ease:)

day 4

food

cereal and skim milk

ham

casserole and pepsi max

Protien bar

ham

salmon

cashews

oh and I ate a turkish delight ice cream bar....not very good, but I was annoyed so I ate something bad... I wont beat myself up over it, a slip is minor and I know its going to happen now and again..its a lifestyle change, so one little slip its ok, i wont die ffs!!lol

I havent had one cup of tea or coffee today.. Imstruggling a little with the whole skim milk in them, I love a nice full cream coffee at the end of the day, hell at the start of the day too!

My book arrived today, its called 'The Gabriel Method'...looks like an intersting read, bloody ants got all in it and over it, its bloody ruined, brand new frickin book...not happy!! Never mind

So, Im getting my hair cut again tomorow, and coloured, cant wait.

I did a beautiful cut, colour and folis today, client was really happy with it to. phewwwww:)

day 3...DONE!

So....Ive been on this thing for 3 days...a record for me!!lol. no seriously, its all good, I felt a bit hungry this morning but I ate ham and turkey for snacks. I didnt have my salmon today though, bit busy at work.. I was working on that dreaded French Roll, AGAIN!!, I think I sorta got it this time, I had T there, she is our trainer and she showed me AGAIN, how to do it....Im not very good at upstyles yet!! to be honest I dont have the fucking patients for them, shit, I dont have patients for any thing!!!

thats my french roll...not bad, I guess...its all justpractice I suppose.

Anyway, back to my Bodytrim.

Today I had

2 eggs and tea

turkey and tea

roast beef

ham

chicken and an egg

3 eggs today...hmm, so after 3 days, I fetlt a bit hungry this morning, and tired to, but my body will adjust Im sure, so tomorow I get to have salad and vegies!! yayayayay, cant wait, I am really waiting for my day when I can eat cheese, Im a cheese freak, and chocolate for that matter!!lol, all good, I'll lay off the choccy for 2 weeks and then on my 'free' dayI am going to have a small bit. What is the point of cutting it out all together?? Ide only crave it more and then binge on it for days!!

haha...

day 2

Well the scales are down so thats good. I know its all water weight but thats ok, its a start.

So todays 6 meals

Egg and tea

ham

beef

salmon

chicken

turkey

I did only have 5 yesterday, but think thats ok?

I have Tafe work this morning, our teacher comes out and we do stuff for her then. Im just not sure about this hairdressing anymore? I am really hard on myself and I never think my work is good enough...Im trying really hard to get over that but it is hard. I guess it comes down to, people have to like me and what I do, Im only just starting, and it is actually hard work!

Anyway Im sure it will get better...


another good day of food and protien, I have behaved for 2 whole days, the only thing that will be a bit harder is not having full cream milk in coffee, Im having yukky skim milk. I was even disaplined today, cause we didnt have skim at work so I had black tea...YUKKY!!! lol, I'll get used to it.

I took my measurement to..ergghh, they will go down to. yuk again.

Its all good, I'll be toned and thinner in no time..

day 1- protien

so I'll start today with


tea and skim milk
1 egg with ham and mushrooms

salmon

chicken

ham

roast lamb

egg


all protien, I will do this for 3 days and then M will help me with the next phase. Apparently you can lose up to 5kilos in the fist 11 days...hmm thats what I want to l

ose all up!!

Im not in a hurry, I need to change my lifestyle is all.


I'll get a photo up some time today.

That will make me accountable Im sure...

OH MY GOD RIGHT?? ...Not alllll bad, but very untoned and just a little heavier than what Ide like to be. I didnt weigh before I ate this morning but yesterday I was back to 71.2, so I guess I'll take it from around there. I ctually couldnt face the scales this morning as I had rice and carbs yesterday...always heavier the next day...grrr.

Anyway I'll take another photo on the 4th day after my 3 day kick start Protien days.

we'll see huh?

So I stuck to plan all day..which is really good for me, Ive not been hungry, but food was on my mind all day, thinking I had to eat certain things...you know, bread, just silly really, I just had my roast beef it was, I cooked it in the slow cooker..nice!

Im just having trouble finding foods that will be of variety??

So far I have

eggs

chicken

lamb

beef

bacon

and thats it!!

well I guess I have 2 more days!

then I move to phase 2

this is still eating protien for the 6 meals, but I can have unlimited vegies and salad with lunch and dinner

so excited:)

so...........

This is me at Xmas...FUCKING YUK.

So..well yes. Ive been a bad girl, eating all the wrong thing....this is getting old right? Anyhoo, Im going to take before shots tomorow and get off my arse and get (try) about this whole fucking 5kilos I need gone.....my workmate has now lost 20!!! yes 20 kilos...I didnt even think she was that overweight!!.....she looks amazing and Im just so proud of her...and yet I still wonder why I cant stay on track for more than a few days....Ive been down this road so many times before and I bore myself...I know what to do.... I know what to eat...I know what is required for me to lose this weight...and to be honest Im just sitting on the fact that its only a few kilos..well I will try and try again

I will follow the high protien diet.

3 days of pure protien

then just sensible eating. Nothing in bags, nothing dairy, nothing yummy!!


I will take before shots tomorow morning..(help me god).

That will scare you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stitches!!

I sliced me finger opened tonight!!!! Oh shit it was awesome...well not at the time, I shit myself cause blood was pouring out everywhere!, I cut right down through all the layers of skin and found out at the emergency I missed the tendon by 1mm!!! Holy shit my hairdressing career would've been over!!!! ARRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.... It was pretty much me own fault, cause I broke the plate cause I was mad that I had come home from work to a messy kitchen so I threw it in the bin and then shoved the bin back under the bench and the SLICE..open it went!!

Blood pissing out everywhere....P ran and got a towel, a huge bath towel at first!! lol so I told her to get a hand towel, that was better... I then rang the 13health number thinking the ambos would just pop on over and stitch it, but no, they advised me to go to emergency!! I rang husband to come and please take me, but low and behold he couldnt drive, had had 3 fucking heavy beers...so I hung up on him and then decided I better drive myself, mean whlke he has come over...(walked) even though I (yelled) said dont worry about it...anyway..... I managed to get meself up there, one handed, thank god for automatic cars...

So they gave me 2 needles in the sliced open part and 2 stitches....its still all pins and needles like feeling, but I guess thats normal....I havent had stitches for 10 years or more, last time was in me leg?? so I hope Its ok??

I have this second skin type stuff on it so nothing gets in it, but its has come away a little bit,, I just wont be able to do basin work for a few days...

excitement plus hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and I think I ate about 30points on ww today....dam shame there to!!! hehe




OH YEAH...I WEIGHED IN...HMM PUT ON 300GRAMS....AWWWW