going great...still!!

fucking awesome!!!!

I am going so well...Im now up to 6kph on the tready for 25mins...food is awesome...practically nuthing...but in a good way......

food today
2crumpets w honey
tea
tea
apple
salmon sanga
1 butternut bicki
vegies for dinner..

My x hadda drop M off today...this is after txting me last night how it is my fucking fault he went on a date...whatever...and other stuff that I wont share...but a bit nasty..i ignored the txt as I dont even care enough to banter on txt message anymore...(good for me!)

well.....he brang her home and wanted to kiss me and cuddle me...WTF???? I think he has lost it...wants a booty call and I aint it Im afraid.....ewww, it was just awful, nevr mind...he'll get the message when he knows I went on a date....poor bastard...

Meanwhile, the guy Im going out with tomorow txts me all the time and rings ect..its good, I hope we get on in 'real' life...we'll see, tomorow night is the date..Im very excited to, should be good to go out and be with different company. all good


weightloss is so going to get there...its a little slow but Im working on it...my tummy is still fucking yuk...but..Im doing something and in time it will not be so fucking yuk....hopefully!!

lovin it

70.1this morning...almost to the 60's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

food
cereal
banana
healthy choice meal
hot choc and a few chicken crimpy's
vegies for dinner.

I will do my tready later...

if i can...Im so tired, up all night chatting on msm....not good..
Looking forward to Fri night...cant wait actually...then Ive got my silly x husband asking me out to dinner....WTF??? Ummmm N.O.
get it?????

Ive got my outfit sorted, what Im gunna drink, what Im gunna do and say...all organised:)

good one

Shouldda weighed in today... 70.8...in the 70's at least..
keep going!!

went to the shops this morning...i need a nice top for my date on Fri...do u think I can find one?? I tried on a few but I still look fucking fat!!!..Its my tummy...im all middle heavy..grrrrrrr....so need toning...but Im starting and Im doing something right?


later

Food today
eggs on toast
tea
diet coke
banana
tea
jarrah hot choc and 2 bickies
vegies and quiche

I love quiche

I didnt need any lunch today...well after my shopping outing and the clothes still looking yuk, is it any wonder...I havent done me tready yet...will in a minute, need dinner to settle.

Getting a bit excited about my date..I have been tlking to hima and he seems nice...we'll see. they allll seem nice...we seem to have a lot in common, so thats a start, his star sign doesnt match mine..does that matter???? prob not...

weigh in

200gm!!!!!!!!!! hardly worth it....wonder where im goin wrong?? i think its because i lost lots last week.... so annoying...to think how much i did and all the bad stuff i havnt eaten in 3 weeks!!!

oh well, all good i thought iwas going to gain this week....i'll keep going, im dtermined!!

im on 2 weeks holiday now and i intend to go back to work and they really notice a change, Im gunna work my ass off. literally!!!

Food today
banana, apple and tea
almonds
alfredo lite stuff. ( frozen meal)
7 malt sticks.
vegies and chicken...(brocholi and zuchini)

Exercise
25mins stroll on tready while talking to me beatie and then 25mins @5.6 with a bit of running in there too!!!

Now I think the time has come for some strength training, I want my legs to shape up and look less like shicken legs...you know flabby up the top and pins down the bottom, Im blessed with skinny ankles..pheww
So I will start doing leg lifts, squats, tippy toe lift thingy's and squats...that will get me legs back to normal.

And I want to buy some hand weights...Big W has them, but I dont have a spare 60bucks atm..all good, Ive done without them for this long..

IM ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DETERMINATED.....LOL

weigh in tomorow

...and Im not hopeful...Ive been so good and exercising and no chocolate, no takeaway...nothing bad and I just had a look on the scales and I was 71.7????? HUH??????? thats more than last week??? W..T..F??????????????????????????

Well Im not discouraged, I will weigh in and record in the morning...*sigh*

Food today
tea
cereal and skim milk
tea and 2 bisc...
crab lasagne and salad mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
apple
chicken breast and 1 bread.


So I did 20mins at 5.8kph tonight...loving it!!!!! I'll move this fat eventually:) Just really need to tone!!

I have a date on Friday night to!! yay..would you believe it with a guy with the same name and job as my ex, same height to...how funny..just as friends and I said we would meet for only a couple of hours....should be nice...payback is a bitch.

weigh in tomorow....I dont think I lose, actually I think I'll GAIN..but determined..shit I got a date on fri!!

Just. Keep. Going!!!!

No free day tomorow either...

no chocolate!!

Going GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!

went out for tea last night with work, I had a steak and salad with a few chips...so good!!!

Food today

eggs on toast and tea

banana

tea

salmon sanga

apple

vegies sanga with sweet chilli and cheese. YUM

way to much bread today..but I'll have none tomorow.

I have done 36mins on the treadmil and I did 1min RUNNNG!!! Im on fire...still hating the way I look and I took photos this morning..YUK..will put them up in a min. well, they're not grose, and I should be greaful I only have 5kilos to go, but still, its annoying when I got all healthy and slim and I let it all go...Dam!!!

going to the movies tonight with me beastie..not sure whats on yet?

how depressing

Man, Im eating nuthing bad, no junk, NO CHOCOLATE which is HUGE for me, Im getting on that DREADMILL and I looked on the scales this morning and I was back to 71.4 WTF?????

Bloody hell, I know its been only 10 days..(a fucking record for me) and Im still looking FAT....man I have good days and bad days..like now, Its 10pm and Im starved!!! geez...GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..I'll get there..deternimation baby!!!!

Food today

Cearal
tea
banana
chicken ceasar salad
apple
chicken and veg soup
tea and 2 bickies

AND THATS IT FFS!!!!!

ah well...Im off to bed now, Im not watching my fave show Medium so I can get up in the morning and get on my tredmill...Ive been putting it off but I think its getting to that time where I have to RUN on it...fucking great!

feelin better

Getting better, had a good chat with my husband..I'll stay civil and friends, he wants it like it was, living seperatly but being faithful ect...NOT, thats not how I wish to live my life so no way, thats not marriage to to me so time to keep moving on.

My appitite is back, but now I dont want to eat much, Im determined to get thin so I'll keep going

food
cereal
tea
apple
salad with pork chop
banana
tea and 1 bicki
brocholi and pumpkin toasted sanga with cheese.
tea

I was back up to 70.9 this morning, but thats ok...Ive got til next Monday to lose this week. all good..geez Im exercising and eating hardly anything there better be results next week as well!!!

Im actually cold tonight and finding it a bit hard to get on my treadmill, but im gunna ring my bestie later so we'll talk for at least an hour so I'll walk and talk

all good

*update*...did a 30mins stroll on the tready while talking to my friend...better than nothing

dropping off

well Im trying to make sure I eat but I just dont have an appetite, I dropped down to 70.5kilos this morning..now Im afraid Im not losing it the right way..I guess I just have to force myself to eat.

Now the nerves have started again in the morning, always in the early hours when I wake up and my tummy just churns with nerves..I dont want to go through all this again, Ive been there before because of him..bloody hell I wanted to kill myself..I cant go through that again and neither can my parents...

I have to drop the kids off to him this morning and Ive asked him not to come down, I just cant look at him at the moment....I will get better though..I just have to keep telling myself that he didnt want to burden himself with me, he has said his house is his, he only wanst to be finacially responsible for his 2 children ect...I'll be strong. and he dropped Pep like a hot potoato....

So food today
1/2 cup of tea..Im not even enjoying that now
small bowl of cereal
banana and rice cakes
apple
brocholi and pumpkin on toast for dinner..I bought some chick breast and I'll try to cook that but I doubt I will.

well I cooked pork chops instead and managed one of those. Ive just done 20mins of fast walking to..Im feeling better, I sent a text of what I was feeling and he just said our personallitys clash..whatever..I think my nerves in the morning are just cause Im scared of what is around the corner..Ive been comfortable with the same man for 8 years and now I have to start all over again....but it will be fine, I will stay friends with him and be civil for the children, but it will be hard and Im a jealous person, but that will pass.

I have a lot to offer and deep down I am a nice person. Someone will apreciate me one day..3rd time lucky eh?

weigh in

A GREAT start to my week that ended awfully!!!

71.3kgs!!!! yayayay1.8kg lost.. Now Im thinking that because I lost my appetite yesterday, that might have had a lot to do with it?? Doesnt matter, Im not having a free day today..I have a mission so I will stick to plan.

Food today
coffee
apple
4 rice cakes with peanut butter
banana
brocholi and pumpkin on a multigrain toast with weet chilli sauce.
plus a tea and coffee thrown in somewhere and a 30 min walk.

I did 30mins yesterday each time i was on the phone, so it wasnt a fast walk but I guess as long as Im moving its all good...I have pushed my training up a notch..not yet. Im still unfit so it should be fine for a little bit yet.

I didnt sleep very well last night..just things going through my mind with my ex husband I think.. Seems he can easily move on, and its like the last 8 years have meant nothing...funny thing is I never really felt loved by him..probabay I was right all along...he'd rather shack up with a girlfriend and not really work on his family....oh well all good, I'll feel better as the days goes on.

Im back on the dating site and have my eye on one guy, so might meet up with him soon..I just want to meet new friends really, not into a relationship..I dont move on that fast..


Ive done the vacumning and washed the floors and my house is tidy, groceries done to I went to Spotlight and got a nice single bed doona cover..hippy like of course for the back cupbourds, Ive got the stereo on them and they are so old and ugly, so that will cover it up well, I cant afford new ones yet so the olds ones it is!

The husband rang this morning and was talking to the kids, I just kept saying I didnt need to talk but M put him on anyway..I was very cool and calm and icey, he wants me to drop them over on my way to work in the morning..so Im like.."fine' No worries', sure thing' then I handed the phone to M, I only have to be civil..then I drove past his house and he came out to his balconia, I ignored him...then going to the shops I drove past, didnt need to, but again I looked straight a head and IGNORED him,he was siting out there at this time.. mind you it sent a tear to my eye, but he got the message Im sure, he actually looked a little deflated, maybe its just my wishful thinking.

*sigh* it will get better and I will get stronger..I already am, but I will get stronger still!

chocolate would normally beckon

Sooooo, my friends went out last night and its my weekend with the littlies so I couldnt go..while they were waiting at the door to get in they met up with this girl who was waiting by herself..so they decide to chat with her...turns out she's meeting sn old school friend, shes single, hes single blah blah...my friends ask if he has any single friends..girls says come up with me and we'll find out..long story short the girl was meeting up with MY HUSBAND..fuck, it didnt take him long.. Im really upset by this and I really dont know why?? He treated me like shit..I hate him so why be upset?? Normally I would eat, but Ive lost my appetite. to be honest its made me want to go out and date myself...fuck him, he can move on quickly...

Anyway.. I dont know why Im upset really?

food
2 toast with baked beans
coffee
apple
2 rice cakes with a bit of peanut butter.
coffee
I had 1 toast with pumpkin and brocholi and a bit of sw Chilli sauce for dinner
coffee



10mins on treadmill this morning
Ive done 30mins all up on the treadmill today.

Weigh in tomorow..Im sorta excited, dont think Im in for a big loss as usual..but if it is at least 500gm I spose. too fucking slow

*sigh* this feeling will pass I know

day 6

I was so tempted to get on those scales this morning.. but I didnt, Im having a morning off from the tready, maybe a day...dont want to burn out to fast, I'll see how I go this arvo..I'll probably feel guilty so I'll get on there anyway...we'll see??

food today
2 toast with baked beans..need a bit more fibre I think, my body isnt co-operating with my new plan yet!
coffee
banana
quiches from last night
10 rice crackers
tea
lamb chop and potato, lettuce, beetroot and cheese
milo and 2 bickie
apple


last day of the working week today.... Im on hols soon 2 weeks and i cant wait!

I wish weightloss was faster with the results, I know its only been 6 days, but its just awful seeing myself in the mirror, but instead of whinging how fat I am and look I turn it into a positve by saying, that im now doing something now, not just wishing I would do something.

In a months time Im sure I'll start seeing some results:)

*edit* yep I went on the tready...mum rang so I took the op to get on and did 35mins...only doing 2-3k ph..but its better than nuthing!!!!!

its 9.30pm, not tired..need to find some more good blogs to read..I only read one...the fab
Chris...whom one day when i go to NZ I can catch up with!!

I did 3 ladies layered haircuts today and I didnt wreck any of them!! lol I had to cut a 10yo's hair, from the butt to just where a bra strap would be..I was freaking a bit but thought it would be ok as it will fall all messy and have body etc..then the mum asked if I could fucking straighten it!!!! WHEN I FINISHED... Arrgghhhh que major freak out..you see, you either cut it straight if you straighten it everyday, or cut it in natural fall. obviously straightening is better cause its perfect hair..hard to explain if you are not a hairdresser...(and I dont mean that condescending either)..anyway, I scarily got my GHD and thought..OMG its gunna show ALL the mistakes...and u know what?? It was actually good..I couldnt believe it!! All I had to do was texturize it through the bottom. awesome:)

anyway..raving for the sake of it...bored and alone on a sat night!!lol.. Ive had a milo. but I feel like a cup of tea:)

Nite

day five

Still going great...5 days in a row...Fuck Im good!!!!

Food today
egg on toast
coffee
apple
chicken and veg soup and 2 slices of multi grain bread
10 rice crackers
crustless quiche
coffee
milo and 1 bickie

30 mins done all ready, broken up to two lots...


Sooo busy today, I had to do a concave bob..my bos was flat out so Icouldnt really get a lot of help, client loved it tho so thats the main thing, we got hammered with appointment and my boss had to do my male cuts and her own..i felt bad, but shit im still learning and Im slow..perhaps not the best cut for me on a friday arvo...but ah well..all good.

day four...

15minute walk this morning which Im glad I did as I worked alllllll day til 9pm, and Im just not gunna get anymore done....no drama...in the morning again.. I cant believe Ive done 4 days in a fucking row!!!! AWESOME OR WHAT!!!!

Food today
egg on toast and coffee
banana
diet yogurt
tea
chicken and vegie leftovers
apple
10 rice crackers
tea 2 bickies
milo

No dinner as I worked late and I had 2 bickies with a cuppa at work in my break.

Didnt drink as much water today..bit busy at work


ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and I still havent weighed myself, might have to have a little look in the morning??


On another downer note, my son moved out last week as I have said before..well he is in a youth hostel type deal and has a curfew and seems to be looked after I guess...so what has he gone and done ONE day after he moved in officially?????.....

.....been caught FIGHTING in the city AGAIN...so he has ANOTHER court appearence to go to....fan FUCKIN tastic...I give up... Ive had enough..he's on his own Im afraid..I done all I can for him at the moment.

day 3

Im all organised for today food wise

Food
2 eggs, 2 mushrooms, 1 slice of cheese
coffee
banana
10 rice crackers
carrot and cucumber sticks
apple
chow mein and multigrain roll
chicken and veges.

Ive done 15mins on me tready already and another 15tonight

Im doing good people:)

later...

So end of the day, Ive done another 15mins on my dreadmill...can u believe it???? Shit I cant, well I can cause Im on a mission now.

I have not weighed myself in the mornings since Monday...this is a big deal, as I usually hop on every morning and every night this is BIG!!! I dont want to weigh til next Monday..we'll see huh..

Ive still got a long way to go as I sit here and all my belly is contorted and rolling over my pants, but you know what? thats ok, Ive made a start and its one day at a time:)

day 2

going great!

I only did 10mins so far on my tready as I slept in....ahh day off its ok, so I have another 20mins to go tonight. all good.

I went to the shops with my mum, bought some more clothes for the the kids, some jeans for me...still a size 14 but thats ok, my attitude has change and Im gunna get back to normal.

mum had a coffee and I had a skim hot choc...yummmmmoooooooooo, only thing it was made with real melted chocolate..i didnt know that when I ordered it though...doesnt matter...we didnt have anything to eat..yaya for me!

Food so far
diet yogurt
cuppa tea
banana

skim hot choc
apple

10 rice crackers

chicken and veg soup. edit...

then tonight Ive got enough chicken stirfry left over from last night. (I had 2 pieces of toast as well, I will have to get some multi grain bread)

all good:)

*more drivel*
I did another 20mins on my tready and Im very proud of myself, I know its early days, but Im going to succeed again at something:)

Must say, its a bit hard to walk on my tready with a still sore toe..I wonder how long it will take to heal? I hope my toenail wont fall off, I think it will thoug, least its winter and it will be covered in shoes....yuk, I think I might have done a little bit of nerve damage, as when Im walking I get pins and needles sometimes running up me toe...dammit

weigh in

A loss is a loss I guess

400grams, not much but its something

Just did 15mins on my treadmill and will do another 15 tonight.

3.1kilos to go to my first goal.

easy

Great day so far...have to get back on the treadmill later..i will..promise to myself.

food today
eggs and mushrooms with a slice of cheese mixed thru
herbal tea

chicken and vegie soup
diet yogurt
coffee

10 rice crackers

chicken and vegie stirfry..cant wait as Im a little hungry!!

coffee later.

excellent.

I did the groceries so Im all stocked up on good foods, bought the new WW mag for inspiration so thats all good.

3.1 to go to my first goal...I can do it again I know it. Im uncomfy cause my clothes are smaller, so thats motivation there. once I get down to between 68-70 I will start weights again to.

I want to tone right up again and get back to the yummy mummy I was !!!!lmao

Oh and I joined the online dating thing yesterday and took it off this arvo...dont think Im quite ready yet:)



EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did another 15 mins on my tready...woot!!!

still

yep still hating myself, the week hasnt gone that well, Im hopeless, but anyway, today is a new day.

My son came home yesterday to get his things, we took him out for dinner and then I took him to his refuge house...OMG, cant believe its come to this but, hey, it will make him happier I hope, he looks empty and not very happy and it goes to show how I have failed him as a mother, and no matter what anyone says i will ALWAYS blame myself for how he has turned out, it IS my fault as I made some terrible desissions and very selfish decissions...well hopefully not again.

Anyway, moving on..its no wonder I hate myself...

I wont even go into the new thoghts of losing weight this week, its pathetic I need something new every week and fail every week...what the fuck is wrong with me? Im a joke. but I will try and try again..no one will wnat a fat chick and one day I want a new man..but then again I deserve to be alone, until I get myself right theres no point trying to let anyone else in.

Going out with girlfriends this morning, lunch and a movie, will be good.

I'll pick my littlies up this arvo, thier weekend with their father, thurs thru to sun, a great break from me and at least they dont only have my influence to fuck them up... Hopefully Im doing a better job on the other 3?

work has been very quiet, the new senior quit yesterday, just sent a text and said she would no longer be coming..bitch, put us out for the day...anyway good ridance, she was hopeless.

a new one starts next week..we are hopefull;)

Sooo, I went to the movies, had a nice little crustless quiche and salad for lunch, went to get my littlies, my husband has had another haircut..bit of an insult really, he looked good and smelt even better, after watching the movie I was emotional and ended up giving him a cuddle, no kiss, but of course my eyes welled up, and its an emotional time at the moment, I think the fact that N has moved out at 16 and the realization of no more marriage ect, ect, Im a little bit of a mess at the the present time...never mind, all will be good.

I had a shake for dinner and a carrot. apple and coffee for breakfast and mudcake, small slice.

Iv filled my ipod with lots of songs and all the old ones I used when I use to run to so I need to get motivated..Im just about to go for a walk on it.

I WILL GET THIN, THE THINNER THE BETTER...LET ME SEE HOW FAR I CAN GO.

boring day

I started at 1pm today...it was as dead as....sooooooo boring...tomorows not much better...end of fin ancial year makes a difference to...erghhh yuk, i hate doin nothing. I did put 3 foils into my booses fringe before we left so thats good...hope its ok!! will see in the morning...

my hands are so sore...they are sore and dry and cracked....i really dont know what else to try hey, i have tried everything for dermitits..everything..the were bleeding today, everytime i bent my hands..just terrible...even me boss said she hadbt seen them as bad..

anyway, had a few slip ups today with food..no drama, tomorows a new day..i have been pretty good, considering..im really trying, so 1 point to me i guess.

Nothing else, just waiting for Meduim to start. wish I had her gift:)

food
shake
coffee
banana
salad with egg and small bit of feta
apple
tea and a bicky
ww side dish
cashews
cupa soup
coffee

I did weigh myself and just after cutting out all shit yesterday and having the fresh food I was 71.6 this morning...now I know this is water weight, but geez almost 2kilos down?? I'll try not to weigh in the morning as its gunna be more, but thats OK.

I now have 5 weeks to finish my upsstyle book....eeeekkkkkkk, 5 weeks?????? I am on holidays soon..sooooooooooo good!!!!!!!!!

New week...again

I have woken up determined again...like every other Monday but Im gunna do it this time.

I weighed in, and I wasnt going to put it on here but Ive got to be accountalbe and do the right thing this time... I havent been this weight for about 2years or more and its disgusting....for me that is....remembering how good I was before with the treadmill and the weights and running...I have let myself down and gotten out of control..eating all the wrong things and not caring about it or myself...well not anymore..I really need to take a course of action, not only for my health and well being but I just have to start giving a shit about myself.

I went shopping today as I hav C cause I dont work today, we always go shopping, he loves it and so do I.. I bought some clothes for the girls and some 'skinny's' for C..they are the cutest, I bought a pair of black pants and a pot for my parsley seeds.. I also went into my most favourite shop in the world..(at the moment!!lol) LOOT, I bought a hippy bag and this cool hippy friendship braclet...and I got some Tibetan Prayer flags..love them...I also went to Spotlight to get some 'hippy' fabric to make a shoulder bag, I got this awesome fabric, then bought the new shoulder bag...doesnt matter, I can make the other bag anytime.. I found my cutting board so Im extremly happy about that!! Didnt want to pay $33 for a new one..

My son sent me a message and apparently he has seen Centrelink and is moving into somewhere tonight?? Im annoyed that a 16yo can just move out...what sort of life is he going to have..least he message me and I know he is sorta safe right?

So Im eating nothing but fresh food starting today and shakes and Im going to weigh in only once a week...well I'll try, i still weigh everyday and everynight, so I'll have to wean myself off that.

I'll write all my food down evry day and at the end of that day I'll put it here.

Fresh vegies, fruit, shakes and lots more water. A day off each week and a chocolate only on that day. As for alcohol, I dont really drink a lot, but if anything only when I go out with the girls once in a while.

And Im walking on that treadmill too...I will make myself do it.

back..
food
shake
coffee
chicken salad with small amount of feta
apple
diet oragne fizzy
coffee and small bit of bday cake
cuppa tea.

i had a meeting tonight so no dinner.

M is as sick as, vomitting and the runs..touch wood she hasnt vomitted in about an hour..please, please, please let that be all...then P was brushing her teeth and Bleerrrr..vomitted..dammit..I dont do 'sick'..Im not exactly all, whats the word??? Im a bit cold...it comes down to the fact Im scared myself to get sick..Im freakin out now cause the bug is in the house... I know that sounds awful, but its just me...

I spoke to Nick...he actually phoned me..all is ok, he has a shared house and it has a youth worker ect to help out, he seems happy enough to do that, so I will accept it, plus that takes more pressure off me, not knowing where he is or if Im gunna get a call at 2am in the morning that he is drunk ect.. I am taking him out for dinner on sat night with mum and dad and P. The litlies are at their dads...we have shared care, every thursday night and friday they are at his and then every second sat night as well. works well. Gives me a break. and the love tyheir dad A LOT...usually to the point they cry when I get them...very disheartening for me, but its ok..

:(

Funny day...I had my daughters party..it was good, my mum and dad came and her dad and his parents..it was all civil and friendly..on my part anyway..i dont want to be friendly..i want to say totally get fucked you asshole for all what u have done..but hey its not worth it..I made his mum say hello first to me though..she fucking shits me....fucking mummy's boy she raised...surly they can see what he has done is wrong?? probably not...who cares anyway...Im over it.

My son turned 16 today and this is where it goes horribly wrong..on one hand I had a good day with the party, but on the other hand, my first born, turned 16..noone has heard from him..he spent this day god knows where and with god knows who.. i just feel like a total failure to him..we never really got along and things have just spiralled out of control since I left up there and I wonder if I wasnt so selfish and just grinned and beared it up there and not left, he wouldnt be doing all what he is doing..everything at his disposal here, the big city and all that comes with it, for the last 12 months I have totally lost him...he dropped out of high school, started stealing, hanging out with all the wrong people, police involvement, court appearences, youth justice conferences, community service...what is next?? it upsets me so much to think..I dont want him in jail, or dead???

To top a bad off I weighed myself this morning and I fucking died..Im not even saying what it was...I just must hate myself so much on the inside, I dont have any respect for myself..and I wonder why no one else does huh..Im so eating myself to an obivion.. I went to a party last night and I had a photo taken with my friend and OMG....disgusting...Im huge and I really cant deny it anymore, so once again I am going to go back to my shakes in the morning....all I can do is try, to be honest I dont care about myself at the moment as Ive pretty much fucked every aspect of my life up so..we'll see...why cant I do the opposite and starve myself in these trying times??

Not a lot happening...

I did foils and a haircut last night and it turned out!! I was freaking out, really, and I dont know why!!?? I really need to get some faith in myself...hair cutting is coming along.. I did an increase layer cut today, now worries, my boss is back from holidays and I had 30mins before my client came in for her appointment and SHE MADE ME DO IT!! So good though, cause I dont have a chance to freak out or try and hide out the back...and I did it in time, yiu know what tho? I might noit be perfect, but Im getting better every day:)

Im doing Barrell curls now..Im sick of frikken french rolls at the moment I need a change!

Oh, and Im officially single... I told my so called husband we are heading for divorce and I dont want to see him anymore...Im not his girlfriend, or o fucking booty call....long story and to be honest its not worth going into how the last 14months have been going.. lets just say, he bought a house 2 months after I left from up there, after he hit me...we got back together, not living together as it was HIS house, um...he would NEVER live with my eldest son again and he dropped P like a hot potoato after being her father figure for 7 years...anyway she hates him now and thats fine by me. Lots more involved but who cares really.

So now I dont have the controllong influence anymore, I should be able to move forward and be a better mother and a better apprentice...no pressure on me now. He can get fucked totally.... should have been done months ago..but as usual I live in hope...nup, not this time... he has shown himself in his true colours for the last time.

Moving on..I know I wont be on my own forever...might take a few years, or more but eventually I will find someone worthy of me:)