Oh Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and Happy New Year

Jeeesuuussssss, I thought Ide weigh myself, ya know the beginning of the month, a new year if you will, great I thought, Ive been good the last few days, surely it will show...I have my skinny ass 66kilo or there abouts photo in my bikini on the dresser mirror...sweet yeah

WRONG.

I was 73.2...fucking WHAT?????????????????? Im lazy and now I must just be fucking greedy!!!!

I really need to get my head out of my ass when it comes to food and excercise otherwise Im just gunna be another failure...FUCK AND BUGGA!!!!!!!!

God, Ive been here sooo many times before and Im pissed of with myself, yet still no motivation??? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME????

I have the same mindset, ie; 'yeah, Im fat and untone' but still I dont care enough about myself to stop eating crap and doing no movement at ALL!!!!!!

Even I want to tell myself to fuck off and deal with it.

Points I make to myself

1- I know what is required to lose weight
2- I know eating allll the wrong food will result in weight gain
3- I know I need cardio and weight training
4- I have all the ww books and guides and points values of fucking everything!!!!!
5-my mind STILL doesnt give a fuck

My clothes are uncomfy and look yuk....man I need a personal trainer.

ok, now Im annoyed...wheres the chocolate??

lol

all over

Another year of festivities overrrrrr...phew...ate to much, didnt drink at all cause I just dont so that was easy..all good.....kids had a ball and thats the main thing, santa bought them a Ping Pong table but it has been raining ever since and we cant play it.

I had a huge clean up and went to the dreaded tip....yuk, stink and grose. eewwww some people throw away nasty shit.....but I di find a very thin looking self photo in the process and that has spured me on...my god I got fit and toned. awesome, so I reckon I have done it once and I'll do it again!

Did well today I had a shake for breaky and then a ceaser salad for lunch then meat and veg for dinner. Now if I can only get on that fucking treadmill I would be laughing!!

2 more days to go and I have 5 days off!!!!!!! cant wait...im in desperate need of a break I think!!

Diet is not going so well, to be honest I cant be bothered 3 days before xmas...

work is good, I really hope they follow thru and put me back up to level 3 after xmas, they better, Ive been back on level 2 now for 5months and Im not happy!! Im doing more ladies cuts now...even though Im as nervous as shit and just wing it and hope Im doing it right!!lol, my haircuts are checked so thats the main thing! I have one today so heres hoping I go ok!! Im happy with my mens cutting, although a teenager was in yesterday and he wanted it funky and it had to be done with a razor and I couldnt do it as I havent done that yet...Im doing neck shaves now with ease to...phew!!


Erica...great to see you agin to, I often think about you!! how is your family..kids ect??

hmmmmm

Oh Behave!!!!!

Hmmm, still abit of a struggle...72 atm...but thats ok, Im hovering around this for the last little bit and to be honest Im too busy and have a lot of stuff going on to really worry about it, Im still watching my points and counting this and that, but Xmas is next week, so......

Im doing heaps of mens cuts now and I dont freak out anymore...much anyway!! I get a bit scared of the old mowhawk and toddlers but of well hey....

I did 2 female cuts today.. a little girl, straight across, do you know that doing a straight haircut is the hardest to do!! and then I did an older ldy who is growing out her layers...I think i took about 3mill off....not scissor happy yet, too chicken to do the chop!!!lol I winged that one as I was just doing what I thought was right...my seniors just keep saying, you'll be right!!! hmm hope so.

cant wait for my 4 days off over xmas too, will be great.

Took the 3 kids to see the xmas lights and we saw this one house that will have to win,,, it is just magnificant. Beautiful, there was a santa in a sleigh and you can get a photo.. couldnt belive what they had done, besides cost a fortune!!

Still having a lot of trouble with my 15yo...he goes nto the city and stays for days at a time, hates everything and everyone...its not just typical teenager stuff either, he is involved with criminals, he is due for community service. He fights and its just terrible.....i cant believe what he has become and blame myself of course. The whole family is very dissapointed and he knows this which is awful.. he needs help and Im not the person to do it...ive lost my boy im afraid and Im quite sad. I just know he is good deep down but he has just lost his way and we dont get along at all anymore...it was always strained because of the way he is, but it has gone to far now.

300

hmm, 300grams...thats what I added onto myself this week.

Not gunna complain, not gunna bitch, I know whats required but for some unknown fucking reason, I cannot get into the right mind set...what a crock, Im just lazy.

enuff said really


see how this week goes.


Im doing sooooo well....NOT

it was hard!!

Well I did struggle a little but I managed a loss. 500 grams, but that is about my average anyway since I dont exercise yet!! I will soooooon.

71.4, 4.4kilos to go.. good.

I have 3 ladies haircuts in today....shitting myself, but it has to be done...I will move up to 3rd level after Xmas so Im told...which means an extra 100 a week so bring it on! I have 5 foils to do as well, just learning them and I really dont want to do anything cause Im to scared to fuck it up, but if I dont start getting in there, there is no point doing hairdressing!!

we went out for dinner and had pizza Friday night and I am paying for it now.....73.2 to be exact.....hmm big let down there.

Back on track now though, and a little hiccup isnt gunna put me off, I guess I have a different attitude, I will still enjoy food..(although, clearly a little to much over the weekend) but I will really watch myself to, I have said it before, I will never give up any of my faves, I really love chocolate, but just more in moderation blah blah, it really is common sense......

I still cannot get motivated for exercise which is a shame, not gunna complain or winge, it is my own fault...Im lazy...Im also tired!!

Just more incedental exercise.

Anyway todays food

Coffee
cereal and skim milk
apricots and almonds
vegies
banana
necterine

not sure on dinner yet?? maybe chicken and salad.

Who knows what weigh in is gunna be on Friday?? But I wont get detered, I will just keep going... even if it takes me 6 months to lose the 5kilos I put on...its all good!

ww=weight loss

No brainer there really!! Ive been back on good old trusty Weight Watchers this past 2 weeks, well more so this week, and low and behold a loss.......go figure, this shit really does work!!

Mind you I did only lose 700grams, but hey its a loss and Im happy. I need to lose 1.9 this week as our work Xmas party is on and I bought an awesome pair of satin heels in red and I want to look half way decent.

My typical day of food is this

coffee
cereal
apricots and almonds
vegies or salad
fruit
then a low fat dinner of whatever I make.

Some days I alternate my lunch with premiums and tomato and salmon. YUM

So I havent started exercise yet, that will come, Im doing more incedental exercise, weight watchiiens know alllll about this and it works, I will need to tone up though.

Im not doing the reward system like I did before, my reward will be to get back to bloody 67kilos!!

oh man...

Oh man...Oh jeez...I didnt lose anything...nuthing...NUTH...THING...this week...i actually behaved myself, nearly all week... but as I went thru my week, meal by meal, bit by bit I think i can tweek it here and there.... I also worked out I was only 80% good...lol:)

Sooooo. last Monday I was 72.7...holy crap.

and this week Im......72.7....grrrr I was soooooooo dissapointed considering I did actually try this week...anyway, you know what, Im not gunna let it get me down...I did the groceries today and I bought healthy stuff again and I'll try again this week.

sigh and sigh some more...never mind, tomorow is another week starting...

So my meals will go sumfink like this

B- cereal and skim milk
snack- fruit
L-brocholi and cauli and cuppa soup.
snack- almonds and apricots
Dinner- vegies and whatever meat I cook for the family.

I will just change it a bit here and there with Baked beans and salmon and tuna on premium crackers...
we'll see next week.

Oh oh and also I need fucking exercise...YUK...hmmmm great, can never get away with that one I guess...........

I need some bloody scales to!

2nd day down

woo hoo, on track for the second day...doesnt seem like a lot, but for me at the moment, its an achievement by itself!

Im doing good so far.....ive been having shakes and good food.

my menu today
coffee
shake
yoghurt
coffee
shake
premiums with tomatoes
chicken and vegie soup...(which was Cambells and YUK)
Skim Cappucino

*2 squares of chocolate

hehe..will never give up my beloved chocolate Im afraid, but instead of eating the whole frickin block I'll eat 2 squares!!

I took my measurement...hmm, not good. But in another few weeks they will come down Im sure. My hips are HUGE again...ive had this debate before and I dont care what anyone says, they get bigger! Well not the hips themselves, but the FAT surrounding it... Im very wide at the moment. I lookd terrible in skirts and pants, well everything...lol Im working on it!!

Excersise is the next thing I need to address. Hate, hate hate it!

Anyway.... work is great, I let an opportunity slip right by today and Im kicking myself, an older lady came in and wanted just a trim and I didnt jump to it.....grrrr, lesson learnt. Just need to get over me fear and cut!! I did a ladies layered haircut today, our Tafe teacher comes out to us and she said it was really good. PHEW!

Done with Errors!!!

Aint that the truth!..aww well as usual the week starts out really well, but then the days progress and well the rest is history.

So I bought some more Protien powder from the Body Building shop and I am determined to stick to it this week. week by week day at a time. Not sure where me head is at but it will get there right? YES. IT. WILL.

I went shopping today and bought all good and healthy food to go with it. One of my girls at the salon is doing a program from the chemist and she has lost a bit so far...you would think that would get my ass into gear hey??? It will, I now have to prove I can do it again.

Did it before, will do it again.

Such a shame, this weight battle that us women have...we, for some unknown reason, think we have to be as beautiful and thin as alllll the celebs on the tele. They are not real, I mean shit I have had 4 kids, im in my mid 30's, my life is beginning to show on my face and all I can think about is how I need to be thinner than the next chic. I wont be happy till Im at fucking 65 again...but you know what? I went all the way to 63kilos.....looked gaunt and ugly and quite drawn and I still saw fat...now is that fucked up or what.!!

I know I have to be happy in myself before I can actually love myself if that makes sense...truth is I hate myself, I am an emotional eater and have battled many emotions in the last year....to the point of wanting to die, which would be very selfish of me to leave the kids motherless, hense, I wont go down that path...although it would be an easy option, Im a coward. anyway enuff of that...I dont have those thoughts now so never fear, Im not gunna off myself anytime soon.

The only thong I want of myself is the few kilos Ive accumilated over the last 5 months.

I will measure myself in the morning...thats gunna suck, but my scales are in the bin outside as they broke, so I have to wait to save for a good set.. I want the WW ones, they are good. Last look I was at least 72.2...dam fuck and bugga!

onward, tomorow is a new day. a new week and a new challange for me.

eeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!

My god we've had a big weekend foodwise...went away so we ate very well....................anyway onward.

Im getting heavy and slow and just plain fucking yuk, so Ive decided to start back on my shakes just to give it a quick start.....i need to get to 70kilos first and then re-evaluate. I looked really good at 67kilos, but small steps I think.

So I have to go and buy some more tomorow, its $130 for 3kilos of the protein powder. Way cheaper than some of the other over marketed shit out there. Its from a body building shop. all good.

I dont even want to weigh in tomomorow cause Im gunna be huge. So I think I wont? My scales are fucked anyway and that will really mess my head up if it says 73kilos. But I know I will jump on them, cause I cant help my fat self! Anyway we'll see, Ive done a lot of damage to myself in the last 6 months so I need to refocus. Not that I care all that much at the moment..well I do but I dont if that makes sense? I dont want to be fat and ugly, as in fat on me is ugly and this blog is soley about myself and my thoughts...in my mind me fat = UGLY. anyway I sorta do care but dont. I dont need to impress anyone, Ive had children and Im womanly...how funny. This is how Im telling myself its ok to be this heavy...NOT its just plain yuk and I worked so hard to get to 67 in the first place....4months later Im back up there to 72.5.

So shakes it is!

ergh

Ergh, another LONG thursday night...I hate Thursday night trading....boring and long and well im to fucking old to stand on my tired old feet allllll day yeukkkk... hating.

anyway not to worry, I'll try not to complain as there is nothing wrong with me or my children and I have a roof, food and clothes for everyone...im trying to remember that as there are so many unfortunate people out there....like the other week a boy of 18, hung hhimself as his life was perfect to the outside world... I feel for his mum, oh how she must be feeling....anyway enough of that. Im thankful is all im saying...

So I did barrel curls to day and lots of haircuts. short back and sides, Im getting really good at them now and I still get all freaked out when a guy walks in and Ide rather go and hide out the back till one of the other girls does it but no, I am pushed all the time, which is good as thats what I need as Im a chicken with no confidence....HA! I'll get over it?? I was really scared whn I first started cutting mens hair and I'' be like that till I learn it all, then I'll still have to learn more...you never know it all in hairdressing I dont think, things chage all the time...

Oh and I still cant work out how to cross things off when I type....anyone??you know how you put a line thru but can still read it??

frustrated much!!!

I need new scales..they are not giving me an acurate reading and i dont like not knowing how fat I am!!!! Im untoned and totally yuk, but in all honesty I dont really care? Sure I would love to be tone and thin and yadda, yadda..but truth is, Im fucking over it....Ive been obsessed with weight and weight watchers and food and calories and allllll the rest that goes with it for soooooo loooonnnggg and I dont give a fuck cause if I did Ide be excersising my ass off and writing all my food each day in my lil old trusty diary....get fucked I say, Im so busy and Ive got soooooooo much going on in my life at the moment that the pressures of weightloss is just a bit to much Im afraid.


Went to tafe today which is something very weird as the teacher usually comes to us once a month, it was OK,, Im bored outta my brain with hairdressing at the moment to. Im so far behind again......Im back down to level 2 after going up to level 3. That was an insult in itself. I have to prove my 'worth' on the floor and make 4 times my wage in a week...fucking yeah right. I am a very nervous and unconfidant person when it comes to hairdressing...everything else Im fine but this is different....its awful and I hate being like this....bit its just how it is at the moment.. I was doing french rolls and barrel curls allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll day..BORING!!! Dont like upstyles...

Thursday night shopping

For some anyway.... I have to work and I dont like it one bit!!

9am to at least 8.30pm...yeuk... anyway on til Im qualified:)

Had a small cheeseburger meal ont he way home from work..not good but filled a hole that probably wasnt there anyway..

I had my own male client tonight for a cut and shoeshine.. worked out ok although the shoeshine should have been toned, to gold for my liking but he didnt complain...maybe when he gets home and his wife sees it???? oh well we shall see...

I have the morning of till 12pm tomorow,,,awesome, I really would just like to work part time, but my apprent. would go for waaay to long if I did it part time...no thanks, I just want to get it ova with! Im really nervous with the cutting side of things and my teacher says its cause Im a mature apprentice and I dont want to make a mistake or just have a go at any thing and if it works it works if not oh well... hmm yep thats about right to:)

How do I write something and put a line through it and you can see it still?? I forget.

Havent blogged for ages.

I think me scales are broken, I jumped on them before my coffee and I was 71.9 (ouch) and then after my coffe before my shower, just wanted to see the difference and I was 71.1 hmmmmmm not right... I will go by measurements I think??

To fat to put them up yet. I got to 67 and stayed there for ages and all of a sudden Im nearly 72 for fuck sake...not good, so I have to get a bit serious.... hmm cheeseburgers??// no, no more of them this week..lol span <>

Im Bacccckkkkkkkk!!!!

Im inspired once more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



By this wonderful woman!!! Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ive missed blogging. Im off track weightwise, my hairdressing apprenticeship is going well...sort of...still a lot to learn, Im cutting mens hair and just learning ladies cutting....scary as.......gotta go and get dinner now will be back later!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!